Immune to distance, geography, language, and tradition, adult children, who have been raised in dysfunctional, alcoholic, and/or abusive homes, uncannily share fourteen behavioral characteristics stitched together by fear and adopted due to the brain’s rewiring in order to foster the perception of increased safety.
Collectively named “the laundry list,” a term designated by an adult child after Tony A., cofounder of the Adult Children of Alcoholics fellowship, read them during the very first conference held in New York in 1978, “… it describes the thinking and personality of an adult reared in a dysfunctional family,” in line with the “Adult Children of Alcoholics” textbook (World provider Organization, 2006, p. 3).
“As young ones, we were impacted in human body, head, and spirit by alcoholism or other family disorder,” it states (p. xxvi). “Our bodies kept the traumatization, neglect, and rejection by means of post-traumatic stress condition (PTSD). The mind developed the laundry list characteristics or the false self to endure. The internal child, the real connection to our Higher Power, went into hiding.”
What’s maybe even more crucial than the characteristics on their own is just how and exactly why they facilitate someone’s perception of security.
The first, “We became isolated and afraid of men and women and authority numbers,” arises because the adult child unknowingly thinks that people he interacts with later in life wear the displaced faces of his or her parental abusers, particularly if the person possesses comparable physical or personality characteristics and holds a greater, better place, relegating him to the lesser, weaker, or disadvantaged “victim” stance. It had been, all things considered, their very parent who transcended the boundaries he never ever knew he previously him to a hopelessly uneven power play, and infracted or abused him until they were crossed, betrayed his trust, subjected.
Introduced to such a dynamic at a probably early age, he fully expects similar harmful interactions with those he encounters later on in life and from who, him nor owe him very much, he anticipates even less consideration and regard than his parent gave him because they neither know. Indeed, children mentioned in such homes don’t concern if others will damage them. Rather, they ask when they will harm them. Of the, they’re yes.
The characteristic that is second “We became approval seekers and lost our own identification along the way,” emanates from the gap into the adult child’s soul, or the one dug when their parents neglected to fill it with developmentally nurturing praise, support, confidence, acknowledgment, validation, and love. The extremely importance of approval suggests the existence of a simple flaw and its particular pursuit attempts to restore value, change a praise deficit, and prove he has, like other people, the right to feel equal to them.
So accustomed to the emptiness he felt when their moms and dad did not nurture him is he, if it is offered, reducing him to a mirror off of which it immediately bounces that he neither feels he deserves nor can he accept and internalize such validation even.
Having been continually subjected to harm and abuse during his upbringing when the individuals parent became agitated and unstable, and failing woefully to know very well what his actions-or, indeed, his shortage of them-did to cause the potentially traumatizing interactions he had been put through, the adult child remains mostly helpless to your characteristics associated with the third trait, which states “Our company is frightened by furious people and any personal criticism.”
Emotionally regressed to an age which might happen the same as his tender two (years and on occasion even months), he once more becomes powerless and primed to endure what his mind signals are going to be a repeat of a diminishing, demoralizing, or altogether dangerous parental interplay.
So adept can adult children become at detecting the characteristics that others share that they have adopted a sixth sense when it comes to identifying them, even if they are in a room with 25 or more people and they have not even met them with them. This will be embodied by the 4th trait, which states, “We either became alcoholics or marry them or both or find another compulsive character, such as for instance a workaholic, to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.”
Although these faculties are mostly unknown by people who experienced stable, secure, nurturing, and loving upbringings, they’re considered “normal” to adult children. In effect, all of them are he knows. While others would start thinking about relationships or marriages with unrecovered people challenging, or even entirely impossible, obstacle courses, adult young ones had first hand experiences using them in their upbringings and have now unknowingly amassed tolerances and strategies beyond the comprehension of others.
Certainly, without sufficient understanding and recovery that is corrective interactions with one of these individuals can be considered nothing unusual, since their home-of-origins were venues by which they survived, perhaps not thrived. Noted writer John Bradshaw had written, “When that you don’t know your history, you’re doomed to repeat it.”
Some of those dynamics are vital to the fifth characteristic-namely, “We exist through the viewpoint of victims so we are drawn by that weakness in our love and relationship relationships.”
Even though there may appear to be two ideas in this trait-that is, the initial concerning victimization as well as the 2nd in regards to the attraction to those paid off to such a role-they really constitute two, but opposing sides of this seesaw that is same.